I'm going bald, and this is why.

Dear Luca,

Dear Luca,

I've procrastinated writing you this letter. Partly because I can't believe you're already six, partly because every time I think of writing this letter, my eyes fill with tears. Time is going by way too quickly. Where on earth is the pause button?

On the weekend you turned a big six years old. We threw you a Disney Princess High Tea, complete with jumping castle and Ariel cake as per requested.

It was the first time you had an actual birthday party with friends from school invited. You were so excited, counting down the days months before. All of your friends came and it was truly a magical day. You were beaming. Positively glowing throughout the party. Partly because you were just so happy, partly because it was bloody 40 degree weather! Typical!

The jumping castle arrived at home at 7.30 in the morning which was incredibly exciting stuff for you and your brother and sisters. You were all out there jumping up a storm before you even bothered to open your presents! It felt so fantastic seeing you so excited. Made all the relentless organising so worthwhile.

 

 

You are currently obsessed with Ariel the mermaid, so the party was based on your love for her. I made the cake for you, which you loved (phew!). You can be quite finicky with details, so I was relieved when I saw that you approved of the colour schemes!

 

 

It is the end of the school year and I have noticed that you have really come out of your shell. You seem to choose your friends more wisely as well, which is a relief to me. At the beginning of the year you were a bit of a sheep, blindly following the stronger personalities. Now days, when you come home from school, we talk at length about the people who are always nice to you, and those who are only sometimes nice. You, all by yourself, have made the decision to distance yourself from those who are only sometimes nice. This makes me prouder than you will ever know. I love that you are wise beyond your years and are able to see through the popularity contest.

You love a boy called Ben, but he loves Isabelle with an E (not to be mistaken with Isabel without and E). This was deeply upsetting to you, so Lola suggested that you try to look more like Isabelle with an E so that Ben would love you instead. You shook your head at this and informed Lola that there was no way you could ever look like her because she is much shorter than you are. So Lola thought for a minute, and suggested that we chop her legs off. Lola is your little puppy dog and wants to make you happy at all costs. Clearly :-/

 

 

You are a great student. Very well behaved in class. You have received six merit awards this year alone, which is a phenomenal achievement. You try hard, which is beyond what I will ever ask of you. You get a reader folder for homework every day, which we tackle together when you get home from school. You have improved on your reading in leaps and bounds over the year. I'm so impressed. I was actually worried at the beginning of the year as I noticed that rather than read the book, you would just remember the story from when the teacher read it to you. Now you can pick up any book and start actually sounding out the words. This blows my mind.

You are so responsible that I often forget just how old you are. I always think of my children as "Luca" and "the kids". It's like you're my wing woman. If I want to go for a shower or something that will take me out of the picture, I can always rely on you to "just look after the "kids" for me for a minute". You enjoy  the feeling of superiority!

 

 

You currently attend swimming lessons with your dad and Lola. Lola is like a little fish in the water, whereas you are a tad more cautious. Initially when you began, it was quite a struggle to get you into the water. Then it was a struggle to peel you off the instructor, once you were in the water! You have improved immensely. I'm not going to say you love swimming lessons, because that would be a flat out lie, but, well, you don't scream like a banshee anymore at the idea of getting wet! Proud of you babe. I have to acknowledge your dad for that one. He is the one who persisted with you and kept taking you to swimming lessons. I was ready to give up, take you home and wrap you in cotton wool for the rest of your life. Your dad likes to push you to your limits, which is something that you need as you are cautious with your approach to everything.  You two have a very special bond that has been strengthened because of all these tests he puts you through. These tests have made you a stronger child mentally which I am grateful for. Your dad sees the potential in you and doesn't like seeing you bow out in defeat if being scared or too cautious is the only reason you're bowing.

 

 

You've lost quite a few teeth this year. The last one you lost was one of your front teeth. The other is wiggly, so I guess you'll be front toothless for Christmas. I so want that to happen because I would love to get you on camera singing, "All I want for Christmas, is my two front teeth." I'm cheesy like that. You always tell me I take too many photos of you, but I can't seem to help my paparazzi ways. I'm just so incredibly proud of you that I want to capture every single moment even if it annoys you, cause you look so pretty when you're annoyed! Click!

 

 

We have a very special relationship you and I. We joke with each other constantly. Always play teasing each other. I love how we can muck around like that. You are quite the comedian. Quite witty when you want to be also. You totally get that from me ;-)

One thing that irks me about you Luca, I have to say, is my goodness you take your time with everything child!

"Luca put your shoes on or we are going to be late for school."

"Luca, have you put your shoes on yet?"

"Luca, your shoes!"

"Arrgh Luca, put your fricken shoes on!!"

This happens more often than I care to admit. You can also trade the word shoe, for anything else that comes to mind. You're terrible like that!

You always look at me sheepishly, and say something infuriating like

"Oh, I forgot."

!!!!

Luckily you make up for it in every other way.

 

 

You have battled with a few eczema issues this year. Some quite severe. We still are not certain what triggers the outbreaks, as the blood tests were inconclusive. It showed that you had double the number of allergens in your blood count that were considered normal, although were none of the common ones such as dog hair, dust (phew!), pollen , wheat, etc.

It's something we have to constantly keep an eye on, and never fully goes away, but we have a better understanding of it now which is helpful for both of us.

Luca, you love to be out and about. You love going shopping, out to lunch or dinner, or going on "holidays" over at your grandparent's house. Sometimes you enjoy the serenity of being without your brother and sisters for a day or so. You also enjoy being spoilt, and everyone enjoys spoiling you because you are just such a phenomenal kid.

You have a love/hate relationship with your siblings. Thankfully for the majority of the time, you love them. You are very caring and nurturing, until they get into your stuff. This frustrates you to no end. I completely understand, and am looking into a way where you can store all of your favourite toys and trinkets away from sticky fingers.

 

 

You love slushies, olive pizza, spaghetti Bolognese, and cheeseburgers (minus the pickles). You love strawberries for crunch and sip and you like your sandwiches crust less.

Luca, you are at school at the moment and just the thought of you makes my eyes well up with tears. It's just that I'm so incredibly proud of the little lady you have become, and at some level, have always been.  You have such a good heart that it shines through. You have gotten so tall as well, that it makes you look older than your six years. I sometimes have to do a double take on you to soak up the fact that you are still my baby. No matter how old or tall or mature you become Luca, you will always be my baby. That baby who would spend hours jumping on that jolly jumper. That baby who would flap her arms vehemently with excitement (you actually still do that, which is adorable). That baby who would twirl her dummy around her hair when she slept so tight, that I would have to end up cutting it out of your hair.

 

 

Luca, you are an absolute joy to be around. No trouble whatsoever. Whenever we can, you and I sneak off to lunches together, or to the movies. I love spending one on one time with you. It's an absolute pleasure. We also enjoy our cuddles on the couch. You and I are very close, little girl, and I will do everything in my power to ensure that we remain close throughout our lives. I want to always be your netting. I'm not going to lie to you, life is tricky, and there will be times when you will lose balance and fall. I will always be there to catch you baby girl. That is what I'm here for. That is my mission in life. That is what I was born to do. To ensure that you and your brother and sisters always have the support in life to be able to rely on the netting and go forth and soar to great heights. So that no matter how alone you may be or where you are in the world, that you may think of me and feel at home, and feel safe, and loved, and worthwhile and precious, oh so incredibly precious.

 

 

Luca, I love you beyond any measurable words. You are my life and you take my heart with you wherever you go. Happy 6th birthday baby, girl. God bless you always xx

 

 

 

 

Dear Lola,

Dear Lola,

As I sit here watching you colour in, I shake my head at the realisation that four years has passed since you made your grand entrance into this world. And, let me tell you, this world hasn't been the same since!

Oh  my beautiful little Lola, you are so very, very special. I say "little" because it seems that no matter how many birthdays you have, you will always be our baby.

Lola, you have a will that, for the majority of time makes me puff out my chest with pride. Although that very will that see's me smile with confidence, also has the capacity to have me hanging my head in defeat.

You are strong willed and stubborn when you want to be.  Some days, I can find this challenging - but I believe that this very quality will help you achieve your goals later on in life.

You have a no quit attitude and can negotiate ice to the Eskimo's.

If you ask me for, just say a packet of chips - and I say no - guaranteed that within five minutes not only will you be eating that packet of chips, but you'll be indulging in a chocolate frog chaser as well.

You don't stop until you achieve what you've set out for. It's both frustrating and admirable in the same instance. With the right guidance, I truly believe you could rule the world.

Lola, you are funny. Hilarious actually. You come out with the best lines that have your Dad and I laughing for weeks after the fact.

This one particular time, we had Loren and Santiago crying in unison , and Dad tripped over a toy on the way out to the garbage and spilt the contents on the floor. He was visibly (and understandably) upset and irritated. All I could do was shrug my shoulders at nod at him in sympathy, when you came out and said with an all too knowing tone "Welcome to your life Dad."

We both looked at each other and simply cracked up at this. True to your form, it was both wise and cheeky at the same time. Way more profound than anything that should be coming out of a three year olds mouth.

You often surprise us with intelligent lines that have us in amazement at the way your brain works.

Another time, at Christmas, we were in the car explaining that Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. You asked who Jesus' mother was. We replied, it was Mary. You thought about this for a while with an attentive look on your little face before you came out and asked,

 "Hang on, is this the same Mary who had that little lamb?"

You have a logic that is more mature than your years. Nothing pleases me more than seeing the clogs of your brain in action.

Lola, you are a very fast runner. We call you our little pocket rocket because of this very fact. The girls at pre-school say you are the fastest kid in school. You even beat the boys! You are super proud of this achievement.

You are quite the little athlete and excel at any sport you put your mind to. Your Dad takes both you and Luca to swimming lessons each week where you take to the water like a fish. Your dad is super proud of your no fear attitude. He comes home each week and brags about your efforts with a sparkle in his eye. He is so proud of his little over achiever.

Lola you love to cook. You are my little kitchen helper. Every time I am making cakes, you are right there beside me ready to crack my eggs. You're pretty good at it too. You get less shell in the bowl than I do! I have a dream that one day you and I will open our own bakery together and make special occasion cakes.

You are also a great helper. You help me fold clothes, tea towels etc. You are always the first to put your hand up to be of assistance. I know I can rely on your help and that makes me so proud. Except if I ask you to put something in the bin for me, that is your pet hate. Fair enough.

You make your own breakfast these days. You love to butter your own bread/toast/corn thins and this makes you feel like such a big girl - which you are.

Lola, with all of your special qualities, there is one particular one that makes you stand out from the crowd. You are, hands down, the most caring little girl ever.

I see the way you are with your younger brother and sister and it warms my heart. You really have taken on the role of nurturer. If you perceive Loren to be in any sort of danger, you lift her up and carry her to safety. It's so incredibly sweet and kind of funny too because she is almost as big as you are!

Luca is your absolute idol. You follow her around like a little puppy dog. You are currently sharing a room together, where you are sleeping on the floor on a mattress until we move the bed across this weekend. You two are either best friends or worst enemies. There is no in between. Hope you kids find a balance soon, because I fear that my sanity depends on it ;-)

Lola, I cannot express into words how much I love you and how proud I am of you. We have a special bond you and I, that has come about by learning how to deal with your challenging side. At the end of the day, all you want to be is loved. All I want to do is love you. Whenever I see that you are feeling emotional and are acting out, I have learnt that the best way to deal with this behaviour, is with love. Lots of hugs and understanding. Lola you have such a big heart, so full of emotion, that sometimes it overwhelms you. All you need to know is that you are loved beyond time and space and measure. I will always be here for you, I will always have your back and I will never shut the door when you are sleeping because I know how much you hate that. You need to feel protected and I will dedicate my life to protecting you, my gorgeous child.

You are sweet and kind and caring and have a spunk that cannot be denied. You are magnetic. Everyone is drawn to you. You hate photo's, much to my dissatisfaction. I want to celebrate you, but you won't let me! Something that I'm sure we will look back on and laugh, because the majority of photo's that I have, is of you looking cranky!

Lola, you are the cuddliest little girl. You love cuddles and I love to give them to you.

I think you are amazing, I really do. I look at you and get overwhelmed at times because I see how far you've come from that shrieking little baby that I had to hand over to your father when you were four days old because I just needed a break from the non stop crying.

Lola you have so much potential and I cannot wait to see what you make of it. I will be there every step of the way. Every step. In the background. With my fingers crossed for you. My pom pom's poised. My arms ready for a hug should you need one.

Happy 4th Birthday my beautiful Lola. You are an absolute joy. Thank you for enriching my life the way that you have. I love you so much little girl xxx

Dear Loren,

Dear Loren,

What a clever little baby girl you are! Today you turned one, all by yourself! If you could read right now you would be clapping yourself because that's what you love to do whenever you achieve something. It is absolutely adorable. Just like you.

I am a little overwhelmed writing you this letter today, because Loren, this past year has flown by and you have brought me so much joy that I can't even seem to find the words.

None are descriptive enough to showcase just how special you are. I feel the same about photographs of you. I blind you with the flash of my camera on a daily basis because in real life your beauty leaves me breathless, and it seems that no photo of you does you any justice.

We joke that you are "a little bit fancy" and regal almost. You are just a baby but so very, very, ladylike already. You have only just recently decided to place your feet on the floor because you are a bit of a princess like that and prefer to be carried everywhere. Now you are walking around the furniture and we expect you to be trampling about on your own in a matter of a few weeks.

It seems that it takes you a long time to decide to do something, but once you've made your mind up that you are going to do it, you pick it up overnight. You took a long time to sit up by yourself, little girl. I was actually getting a bit worried, but it seems that you were lying down one day and sitting up by yourself the next. The same thing happened with crawling and I suspect walking will follow suit.

You have your own agenda and I am more than happy to go with the flow, because you are just so darned gorgeous! It is almost impossible to get cranky with you. Even when you are being cheeky. You have a face that can only be loved, although with regards to changing your nappy you have been the absolute worst out of all the kids. The absolute worst I tell you!

You have a security blanket that you like to sleep with. It's the same one I bought you for the hospital when you were born. I remember crying the day that I bought it for you (I was hyped up on pregnancy hormones at the time). I was just so excited to meet you, baby girl. You also have a dolly that you love, it's one of Luca's when she was a baby. You hug and kiss her with such force, I can't believe how early the nurturing instinct kicks in.

You go to day care once a week and although you hated it at first, you really have warmed to the place and the girls in there. They have nicknamed you "Lozza" which I find hilarious. You are the most delicate looking baby I have ever seen in my life and that name is such an oxymoron, although I do confess that I love it.

You are loud, and a chatterbox and funny as hell.  I could watch your antics all day long, as you are a born entertainer. I think you are quite intelligent because when you do things to make me laugh, they are intentional. You must take after me in that department little girl ;-)

In all seriousness, I really believe you have your brother and sisters to thank for your confident personality. Since birth they have welcomed you with open arms and initiated you into their little community without question or reservations. You are included in all of their games. Your favourite game is "catch the ball", and are quite good at it. We play it together every day, you and I - and you understand everything about the whole catch and return process. Such a smart little baby girl.

We have many nicknames for you Loren. When you were born, your dad nicknamed you "Lorenkeet" and that stuck for a while, although the one that has stood the test of time is "Nichi". It came about because we were calling you "Loren-nichi". Santiago calls you "Lorent." It is quite funny and beautiful in the same instance.

Loren, you are such a lucky little girl to have been born into a family with so many siblings who love you so much! They are so protective of you. I always have extra sets of eyes around to make sure you are safe. Santiago is the mouth police. He is always making sure you haven't placed anything in your mouth and scolds you if you have.

"Not in the mouth Lorent!!"

Lola is the stairs police. If she see's you going anywhere near stairs and the gate isn't fastened properly, she will lift you and place you somewhere else.

Luca loves to cuddle you while you both watch television. She loves you so much, they all do.

I feel so fulfilled in life when I see you all together and witness the bond that you share.

Just like your brother, you are a Wiggles fanatic. If ever I want you to sit still for five minutes, I know that all I need to do is put a Wiggles DVD on, and I can go and make dinner or something. This year for your birthday, I am making you and Lola a combined two layered Dorothy the Dinosaur cake, complete with edible sugared roses. I can't wait to see the look on your gorgeous tiny little face when you see it.

Even though you are one year old, you still wake up for a night feed. I'm not going to lie to you Loren, it's bloody annoying! I don't necessarily think you are hungry, I just believe that you are so used to the company at night time that you keep this ritual alive.

Originally we had placed you into a room with Lola to share, although because of your antics, you have hustled yourself into your very own room! Poor Lola wasn't getting any sleep so she is now sharing with Luca. It's not often that the youngest of the house is the most influential, but little girl, you command authority and we are all slaves to your request.

We are so very, very, proud of you Loren. You are such a happy child, and I still get excited every morning to wake up to your beautiful face. You are my little mate.  We share a very special bond, an unspoken one, but it is as plain as day. Everyone can see it. You are a little mummy's girl and of course I love that. Makes my heart explode with love. Gives me a purpose in life. Makes everything worth it. Although you are a mummy's girl, your dad is the apple of your eye. You batt your little eyelashes whenever you see him and he is putty in your hands. You want his attention at all times and if he isn't looking at you, you begin to shout at him :

"DAD!! DAD!! DAD!!"

and then begin your little wave that you do.

Loren, since birth you have been the best kisser ever. I tell you this almost on a daily basis. You love to give big sloppy kisses, and I love to receive them off of you. I feel so honoured to be your mother, I really do. You have such a beautiful personality and I cannot wait to see you blossom into the little girl that I know I'm going to be proud of. I already am. I will always be in your corner in life. I will always be your support network. I want you to grow up being rest assured that you have a safety net, a place to call home. I will make it my life's mission to see you achieve whatever you want in life.  The world is at your fingertips little girl, and if anyone can live their dreams, it's you. I've already lived my dreams, and I continue to live them everyday being a mother to you wonderful children.

I love you so, so, so incredibly much little girl. I wish you a very happy first birthday, and when you rest your sweet little head on your pillow tonight as a one year old, I want you to feel safe and secure in the fact that you are loved beyond measure and time.

I can't believe it's already been a year since I held you in my arms for the very first time. I think about that moment with tenderness every day.  I wish you a blessed life little girl, the way you have blessed mine xx

Dear Santiago,

Santiago,

Today you turn 2 years old.

2 years old! I can hardly believe it.

Two years ago today, I cut your umbilical cord. In doing so it saw me release the grip of your tiny little body from mine after nine long months, all the while strengthening the hold of my love for you.

Boy did it ever.

For me, it was love at first sight when the midwife passed you to me like a shrieking little football after a scrum. What I didn't know at that point is that every day following your birth I would fall a little deeper, a little more profoundly. I find something new to love about you every day. You never fail to disappoint.

You are my son.

My little man.

My "preciouth" boy, as you repeat after me with your strong lisp. You know very well that in doing so you will receive a face full of seemingly endless kisses.

We laugh about it together, you and I. Every night after I tuck you in, you seem to wait until I’ve finished the good night routine and am almost out the door before you cheekily shout out “preciouth boy!!” to get a rise out of me. Predictably I run back over to you, and we begin the kisses, giggles and night time routine all over again.

You make my heart smile. You are one of those kids that are an absolute joy to be around. Even when you are being naughty, you are still kind of funny. Your dad was telling me that one day while I was at work and you were under his care, you got in trouble off of him for being defiant. Your response to him scolding you was simply: “Woah!” with your little hand held up as if to say “Hey dude. That’s not how we do things around here.”
You are always making us laugh with your infectious personality.

Before I even get into the relationship you have with your older sisters I have to address the one in which you have with your younger sister Loren, or as you like to call her "Lorent".

It blows my mind how caring you are toward her. Even though you are only one year older than she is, you carry on and speak to her as though you are worlds more mature. Even though you can hardly speak clearly yourself, when you chat to her you revert to “baby talk” and it is hilarious and ridiculously sweet all at the same time. From a very young age Loren has been having solids, all thanks to you. You love to share your food with her. Cheese, cheerios, it doesn’t matter what the food or how young she was at the time – you have a nurturing instinct that kicks in whenever you are around her. It makes my heart explode with love and pride.

The relationship you have with your older sisters also makes me laugh. You try so hard to fit in and just be one of the girls. You succeed at it too (which exasperates your father). You are all extremely close and although don’t always get along, the love that you all have for each other is obvious. For the majority of the time the house is always filled with laughter. It feels nice to see you kids bond. It makes me feel that all is right with the world.

You have a shoe fetish.

I often find you in my shoe cupboard, wearing my shoes. I seem to think that your opinion of my shoe collection is the higher the better! Funny and infuriating at the same time, because my wardrobe is a constant mess thanks to your shenanigans.

You love to sing and dance, especially if it is anything Wiggles related. You are madly obsessed with the Wiggles. You know everyone’s name and corresponding skivvy colour, and the names of all of the mascots. The lady at your preschool told us that she has never met anyone more obsessed by the Wiggles than you. She is pretty certain you are their number one fan. I’m pretty certain you are also.

For your birthday this year I have made you a big red car cake and your gift is four official wiggles skivvies (one in each colour), a Wiggles bedspread with matching paraphernalia. Your favourite Wiggle is Jeff although “Antafeet” (Anthony) comes a close second.

Speaking of bedding, while most little children have security blankets, you have yourself a security pillow. You go everywhere with it. The cover is a red velvety-esque material and you love to feel it between your thumb and pointer finger while falling asleep. You like it because you say it’s “thoft” (soft). God you’re beautiful, little man. We couldn’t love you more if we tried.

You are the type of child that brightens up the room. People are naturally drawn to you. At first I thought it was because you are so damn gorgeous, but I think it’s more than that. Your personality shines through. You have a kind of swagger that can’t be denied. People stop me in the street to tell me just how cute you are. How the way you walk is with such purpose and attitude.

Speaking of attitude, you are beginning to get one.

What used to be “No” is now “No way!”

They call it the terrible two’s, but I know how short lived it is so I’m not in a panic. Even with this new found independence of yours, you are still undeniably a great kid. If anything your resistance makes you even cuter. You are a special boy.

Your dad always jokes that you are my favourite and I’d like to address that here and now. You are not, I repeat, not my “favourite”. I don’t have favourites with my children and I can put my hand over my heart and honestly say that. I love you kids all equally, and all for different reasons. You and I have a very special bond. You are a true mummy’s boy, and of course I feed into that. I love the fact that we are close and cuddly, that I won’t deny. I understand very well that this stage doesn’t last very long and before I know it you won’t be buying into the cuddles on the couch anymore and you won’t be running into my bedroom every morning willing me to get out of bed with your “Come on Mummy!!” I savour these moments with you because I know just how fleeting they are.

You are an amazing human being with so much potential. Everyone who has ever come into contact with you sees it. You have a light behind your eyes that shines through. I am so excited for your prospects in life because I honestly think you can reach for the stars – and actually catch them.

I will always be your biggest cheerleader in life. Along with your father and three sisters of course, who are not that far behind with their pom poms. We will always be your fan club. You are so charismatic that we honestly believe if you lead, the world will follow suit.

Santiago I love you so so so much, that words fail me at this point. Time is passing by quickly, so quickly, too quickly - and although you may be growing older in years, you will always and forever be the little man of my dreams.

Happy second birthday Santiago, "de la de la penia, de la de la penia" – may you always have love, health, happiness, and success in your life. xx

Mama said knock you out.

Have you ever been at a cross roads in your life where you are just so confused by your own purpose that you feel as though you are constantly chasing your own tail?

That it's almost as though you have multiple personalities living in your head , constantly battling each other for precedence.

A boxing match of wills, each round won by a different side. Sometimes by technicalities, other times by obvious hits to the heart.

Willing a TKO to happen, almost praying for that hit, simply in order to have a clear direction to work toward.

An obvious path.

One without noise.

One without clutter.

No more confusion.

Just silence.

Calm.

Clarity.

Peace within.

My head is so full of confusion, noise, fear, apprehension and anxiety about the unknown.

I feel as though I've gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson and I'm just shy of getting my ear bitten off.

In a matter of a week, just like a domino effect, life as I know it will change forever.

My eldest begins primary school. My babies will be attending pre-school and I will be returning to the job I loathe in order to provide for the little people I love. Time stands still for no man.

What is my role in life? I ask myself every day, if not every minute of every hour.

How can I live my life to best service my children?

Do I continue to chase a publishing pipe dream, or simply just get on with life, work for the money that we so desperately need and concentrate on being a good mother and wife?

The realisation that my children are growing at a weed's pace induces panic in my soul. I feel that I need to soak up every second of them while they are still young. Ingest every breathe they take, every milestone they achieve, every "Mummy, mummy!!" I hear.

While I still can. While they'll still allow me to.

Then I question whether I will in fact be doing them a disservice by dedicating my whole life to them. In turn inadvertently smothering them with my own inadequacies which will no doubt deem me obsolete once they are old enough to realise they don't need Mummy all that much anymore.

What will become of me then?

To be completely honest with you, at times I feel that this whole blogging thing can be a bit of a wank.

It can be seriously catty and the very reason I never participated in anything mother's group related in the "real world", the Australian "mummy blogging" circle, mimicking a virtual clique.

Popularity is fickle and loyalty is often transparent.

Few are genuine, but the ones who are, are truly lovely. This is what keeps me here and I thank you for your kindness and friendship.

So this is where I am, at this present point in time.

Do I continue to write about my dreams, my aspirations, knowing all the while it's a big waste of my time because I have no fucking idea how to make that happen (I need help!) - or do I step away from my computer, start living my reality and count the blessings that I actually do have?

Relish in mediocrity.

I often wonder why we are all on this holy grail of becoming "great". Of becoming over achievers. On this constant quest to improve on what we already are. Although for what, and by who's standards?

We put so much pressure on ourselves to be "better", "greater", "more successful" that we base our happiness on external measurements. The irony being that once we take the pressure off of ourselves and simplify our thoughts, our values, and our perception of what's important it in turn makes us happier and more fulfilled by default. If we place the same amount of energy cutting out the bullshit and chasing our inner happiness as we do chasing materialistic things and accolades from people who don't really matter - imagine how fulfilling life would be!

At the end of the day what's the fucking point of it all if you're miserable?

Why can't being a nurturing mother be the greatest achievement in life? Why is it that in this day in age, motherhood is still not perceived as the most important job in the history of mankind? One that needs the most dedication?  One where sculpting the minds of children to ensure they turn out to be happy, functioning adults is the only motivation, the only gain?

I understand that life is a gamble.

I understand that you must take risks.

I'm a big punter, usually.

Although at the moment I'm terrified.

I'm terrified of losing what is really important.

Time.

Time I'll never get back with the little people I love because for a moment I was confused about what was really important in life.

"A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has just wasted

thirty years of his life."

The Real House Mice of Blog County...

The Real House Mice of Blog County

Reporting events that have unfolded, by way of crappy illustrations.

Once upon a time, in the land of Blog County, a certain house mouse had her whiskers in a knot.

"Oh come on!"

Another house mouse had won the contest for the best cheese in Blog County.

"I'd like to thank my pet rabbit..."

This made the other house mice cranky because they thought that her cheese stunk.

"Her cheese is full of holes!"

"Our cheese is denser!"

"And creamier!"

"Her cheese is just glorified butter!"

When the winner of the best cheese in Blog County heard about this, she alerted her body rats.

"Get stuck in a trap, you bitter house mouse!"

"Hope you get eaten by a cat!"

"Your cheese is mouldy!"

"....ah, that's cause it's blue vein bright spark."

The feud went on for days, until finally, it began to die down.

"It's a new day, let's move forward dudes."

The house mice all decided to move on, and await patiently for the next drama to unfold in Blog County.

They all knew, they didn't have long to wait, as in Blog County - when the cat's away, the mice will always come out and play...