The majority of my life I have felt like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman". The tall, lanky, innapropriate, awkward one looked down upon by certain people I admire or have a high regard for.
Certain people of stature, as far back as in the playground to as recent as in the office or in the blogosphere.
Not given the time of day, nor the courtesy of kindness, because I didn't fit into the mould of what was an already established clique or ideal of acceptance.
I'm not going to lie to you, it becomes quite soul crushing after a while and the theme of my existence often takes on a premise of vendetta .
My journey becomes clouded.
As though I have a point to prove.
Perhaps to prove that I am worthy.
That I am good enough.
That I belong.
That I have a right to be here.
That I am just like you.
Although I am beginning to realise what a load of shit it all is.
On one hand I have this theory that I do things for myself - for my own benefit, my own self esteem, my own happiness.
Truth of the matter is, deep down I know very well that at the end of the day, I yearn for acknowledgment off the very people who have snubbed me and made me feel less than.
I ask myself why.
Why do I fucking care so much?
What is with this insatiable desire to fit in?
To be accepted ?
Will it make me a happier person?
In my day, a thousand round about compliments can count for nothing, as often the silence resonating from a specific direction will speak far louder than words ever could.
I am disappointed with myself.
I feel as though I am wasting my life trying to prove a point to those who, at the end of the day - let's face it, don't actually give a shit.
Will it make me a better person to be granted this acceptance?
When all is said and done, do I necessarily want to fit in with those who either unwittingly or wittingly make me feel like shit?
Is that what I am really about?
Is this the example I want to lead for my children?
Cathartically, I have just come to the realisation that the answer is in fact, no.
I am now free.
Free to just be myself without chasing the acceptance of others to feel worthy of this life.
That is the power of parenting.
When you begin to evaluate situations as "lessons I may be unknowingly teaching my children", you begin to look at your own attitudes differently.
I don't want my children to be plagued with the same insecurities that I have.
I want more for them.
They deserve more.
It would absolutely crush me to see my little people struggling to fit into a mould that doesn't do their personality justice because they feel the desire to "belong".
I would love for them to confidently rejoice in who they are, and understand that they are valuable members of society, who do not need the validation of others to feel worthy.
People are fickle.
That's just life.
I don't want that to compromise their self worth as it has compromised mine.
I want to bestow upon them the gift of confidence.
As, it is truly a gift.
Confidence in one's self does not come naturally.
I want their accomplishments to be a celebration of their achievements, without being tainted by the need for validation.
I don't wish their happiness to depend upon it.
I want their happiness to come from within.
From a sense of self-respect.
Shop Assistant: "Hello, can I help you?"
Vivian: " I was in here yesterday, you wouldn't wait on me."
Shop Assistant: "Oh"
Vivian: "You people work on commission, right?"
Shop Assistant: "Yeah"
Vivian: "Big mistake. Big. Huge."
For me, I am no longer searching for my "Pretty Woman" moment, where I make those who have snubbed me, regretful.
As I no longer wish to experience regret for time wasted on such an invaluable obsession.
It is time to forget those who do not wish me well, and rejoice in the ones who in fact do.
Today, I have been reborn.
To live my life in any other way would in fact be a big mistake. Big. Huge.