"To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing."
I can honestly say that I have reached a point in my life, where, artistically I feel challenged.
I feel invigorated.
This inspirational air that is filling my lungs , breathing new life into my once deflated soul, is doing a world of good for my psyche.
Not to mention my complexion.
This pregnancy has been an absolute blessing in many regards. Obviously for the fact that we are having another beautiful child and extending our young family - but also because this pregnancy, whether it be the hormones or something more of a divine intervention, has re ignited a fire within me that at one stage had dwindled out.
Extinguished by the breeze of life's reality.
By self doubt.
By the constant need to place importance elsewhere.
I feel the wind of change in the air.
I feel alive again, I feel re born, I feel kind of fucking tired, but euphoric with the premise of hope none the less.
I have finally begun to write my novel.
The one that I have been editing in my head for what seems to be an eternity.
It's going to be a beautiful thing.
At least I hope it will be.
It is not the easiest thing in the world to chase a dream when you have other priorities.
But motherhood has taught me many things in life.
One of them being, how you feel about yourself, actually reflects in your own children.
When you are highly strung, sad, and have despair in your soul, your own little people unwittingly take on your burden.
I learnt this the hard way.
Anxiety is contagious.
Little people do not understand how to cope with feelings of angst.
The angst that you unknowingly feed them, along with their daily nutrients.
Nourishing their growing bodies is not nearly enough for them, for their well being.
You need to nourish their souls also. But in order to be in the right frame of mind to do so, first, you must nurture your own.
Martyrdom is not an admirable thing if it comes at the expense of your little person's mental health.
Sometimes, by doing something for ourselves, we are also catering for our child's needs.
Because sometimes, all our child needs, is a happy Mummy.
A Mummy who feels self worth and is able to reflect that lesson upon her own children.
A Mummy who doesn't feel resentment toward her lifestyle, even though it may be the very lifestyle she cultivated for herself.
A Mummy who doesn't feel dread as she wakes up of a morning knowing that the only thing she will ever aspire to being, is a mother or a wife.
This may be enough for some people.
If it is, I absolutely commend you because I thought it would be enough for me.
But alas, it wasn't.
As much as I love my lifestyle, my husband, my children, I needed an escape.
A place just for me.
A place where being a wife didn't take priority over being my own person.
A place where I could still be a mother at heart, but celebrate my artistic mind.
A place where I needn't be censored, a place where I could let my imagination roam free.
I often have this conversation with my husband, where, if I had started earlier, my dream of being a published author would have absolutely been realised by now.
The irony is the fact that it is my family, the very little people that keep me from writing at free will, that are my inspiration. The very reason I am pursuing my goals.
I had a more important goal to pursue, and that is why I never felt the urgency to realise this dream earlier.
My goal was to create a family for myself.
Therefore I find it serendipitous that I have been re united with my passion, by another passion.
This pregnancy, although was "an accident" - was by all means a fateful event.
I will be ever grateful to you my little Loren.
You have rekindled my passion, and I dedicate this book to you dear child.
And of course my other little people, the ones who are driving me crazy at this very moment arguing over a tea set.
People may criticise my timing, but it is because of my children that I want to say something, do something, be something.
Just hope it's not shit.