Thursday, December 15, 2011

Do we all have a little Weiner in us?

I've really never been one for computers. My husband came home from work one day and announced he was going to get himself a Facebook profile, to help advertise his business. I had heard about this Facebook thing.  I was eavesdropping  over the carpeted office partitions one day when a few work colleagues were discussing it. My initial thought was, why on earth would you want to be in front of a computer all day to then go home and sit in front of a bloody computer all night?
Seemed pretty stupid to me.
I was a bit suss on my husband's new found Facebook  interest, so I decided to get myself an account in order to tit for tat him.
I didn't really like the idea of him befriending other females, because in my past relationships, that always ended in my partner finding himself inside other women.
Although I trusted my husband more than I trusted myself so I didn't say anything, all the while being quietly apprehensive.
Therefore I got myself an account and I'm not being overdramatic when I say this, but that very decision changed my life forever.
It opened up my world more than I ever knew possible. I was no longer a recluse. I regained contact with people I hadn't seen in literally twenty years and the adrenalin was pumping through my veins like a child on their first day of kindergarten. So many wondrous possibilities!
I felt alive again. I felt social. I felt a part of a community.
Now I must tell you, my husband's new found on line social media interest pretty much died in the arse within a couple of weeks. Although I caught the bug and I caught it bad.
Like any addiction, it grew and incorporated many more social networking sites such as Twitter, and Blogger into my little obsession.
Last night as I was Tweeting on one side of the couch and my husband was Ebaying on the other side, not a word was spoken between us.

I thought to myself "Well, this is pretty much fucked."
Why on earth am I talking to complete strangers and ignoring the father of my children?
Why am I escaping into a world of flirtation, and unspoken agenda's?
So I proposed this question to him.
"Hey G, in the time we've been together have you ever come across someone that you've thought, hey if I wasn't married, there might be something in this?"
"Ah no. I've never let it get that far. Why have you?"
"To be honest, yes. I've come across people that I've thought were nice."
"What are you trying to say?"
"Calm down, no nothing's happened, I just wonder if we subconsciously ever stop looking."
"I think we all look and appreciate, but we just don't touch."
"Yeh, no that's not what I mean, everyone purves once in a while and those who say they don't are bloody liars. I'm talking about do we ever subconsciously stop searching for love. I mean, we are sitting here not even speaking to each other. Is this why people cheat? Is that why social media is so popular, everyone is still searching for something that is missing from their lives?"
"I don't know."
"I'm in contact with so many people on line. What makes a person cross that final line from flirtation to adultery? How do you even begin to cheat? Do you just go up to someone and say, hey there you, what about it?"

"No I think cheating is like dating. You form a friendship, you begin to flirt, you draw similarities and realise you have things in common. I think it's all about timing."
"Timing? I mean how do you go from being happily married one day, to wanting to have sex with someone else another?"
"I think it's a gradual thing. I think both people need to find themselves in a stale phase of their marriage and are both probably looking for excitement or something."
"Yeh but how does it go from friendly flirtation to hitting that person up for sex? What is the evolution process here?"
" As I said before I'd think it'd be just like dating. You start liking the other person and maybe start placing yourself in situations or places that you know the other person would be at. Or I'm sure some people would be more upfront about it and just come out and say it. Work would be a cheating hotspot."
"Oh absolutely, you'd be spending more time with the people at work than you would with your own partner."
"Yep, you can see how these things happen."
"So then why do we spend all day at work with strangers, to then come home and interact with more strangers on line when we could be spending that time with our husbands/wives?"
"I don't know."
"I mean we all do it. I'm no different. Do we spend so much time online to get the attention we don't receive from our partners, or do we not receive enough attention from our partners because we are always on line?"
"Yeh G I don't know, maybe you can turn it into a blog post or something."
"Yeh Maybe..." 

I am the first one to admit that life with small children can be brain numbing at times. Painful even. Gone are the days where you can spend hours gazing into each other's eyes adoringly. These days you're so tired and emotionally spent that instead of relating affectionate thoughts with one another, you remind yourselves of obligation. You look at each other and see housework, bills that need paying, grocery shopping, in laws. You begin to neglect each other emotionally, and begin to search for what's lacking in your lives elsewhere.
A little bit of fun perhaps, a little excitement, a little escape.
A little place where we can regain the essence of who we are as opposed to who we are married to and how many children we have.
So think about it, (you don't have to comment, just reflect) why do you spend countless hours on line?
What are you escaping from?
What do you hope to gain from it?
Do you realise what is at stake?
With the New Year approaching, what can you do to improve the things in your "real life" so that you can spend more time living and less time tweeting (or your choice of poison)?


  1. a tricky one indeed..... perhaps you could see it as a replacement for tv? I mean, it is perfectly acceptable to sit beside your partner not talking whilst watching tv. This really isn't that different is it? As long as boundaries are drawn and it isn't every night of the week I guess. But then I am not qualified to comment on what works in a marriage.....

  2. I know a lot of people are commenting privately, but I'm putting mine out here, cos this is pretty important to me. I don't think we ever stop looking. Even when incredibly happy. I don't think it's bad or wrong, as long as you keep in mind that you want to stay with the one you are with and to keep it in control.
    I have, what my husband laughingly and somewhat correctly calls, my faux boyfriend, online. It's all been completely upfront the whole way, with me reading funny things out to hubby and ditto to my "online friend". So convienient, always being able to talk to him about anything, since he doesn't know any of the people I am discussing and no one can get hurt. So easy to share things with him, cos it's not face to face.
    For a few years, it was a distraction from the marriage. It go to the point where Hubby would immediately go into grumpy mode when we were online together, and with the wonderful development of video chat, he got to express himself to both of us. Other days, he'd sit down, make a coffee and join in the convo. Or take over...
    As a result, I did cut down our online social time and resolve to focus more on the Hubby thing, which is great and we are both enjoying that. Now hubby's chatting to me online and sending me emails... spooky!
    However, my online friend is a real person and I was aware of not wanting to hurt his feelings and it took him getting a girlfriend to help me feel I wasn't letting him down by not being there for him after over 11 years. *grins* I may have pushed him into joining a huge amount of clubs and encouraged him to get out there... ;-) but I was doing that from day one.
    But I will say, he was there for me during that brain numb time of motherhood. Talking to me as if I was a human being, with interesting ideas. Making me laugh, making me want to think of things to make him laugh. Helping me through that time. As a person, not just (insert child's name here)'s Mum.

    With the internet addiction both Hubby and I still share, we send each other a lot of things, or have the computers next to each other and discuss what we are looking at, sending links...bonding. Is all good.

  3. This was a damn good post. Probably the best writing I've seen on a blog in quite a while. You've got a great, honest voice. Personally, I gave the axe to Facebook a couple years ago, and hardly miss it. However, Blogger is probably thrice the time-suck that Facebook ever was for me. Just can't win?

  4. Honestly, blogging/wasting a ton of time fits perfectly in my lifestyle right now. I'm an introvert, so I enjoy internetting more than talking on the phone. And Boyfriend is old with responsibilities and all that (kids), so I can't see him every second of the day. But I don't have those responsibilities, so I can take this time for myself. I suppose in a perfect world, I'd see him a bit more. But because of the whole introvert thing, I really really really like my alone time.

    I don't use the internet to flirt or meet new people (except for finding new blogs/interacting with bloggers and no flirting!), so I know I'm not risking anything in my relationship by spending so much time online.

    All that being said, I think you brought up excellent points

  5. Some interesting thoughts, Romina. Hubby's new job this year has meant he's not home as much of a night, so my online time has increased. Mine has been purely for entertainment's sake (esp when TV doesn't offer much), as opposed to some ``online excitement''. I'm happy just daydreaming about Michael Buble at the moment! ;)
    Great post. x

  6. The TV is similar. How many of us sit all night next to our partners, not saying a word, with the idiot box taking all our attention. I think just being aware of the issue is half the battle won.

  7. I agree with the tv comments..I am not much of a tv fan so even if im not online I am reading books or baking. I think I do these things to escape the mundane. spending time with myself reading my own interests etc.

    I used to get allot of people try to flirt with is a sleazebags paradise, they must be used to desperate housewives though because I upset a few my f off attitude lol.

  8. A very thought provoking post! I can't speak for anyone else, but I have stopped looking long ago. I love my husband to bits most of the time, & cannot even imagine being with anyone else. fb for me is a chance to catch up with friends old & new/relos/ex work colleagues - I've had a few drunken flirty instant chats from people, which is why I keep that off now. Blogging for me is an outlet, a hobby, a chance to meet other people, which I love - especially as a SAHM. Twitter I'm not so sold on (so far), & Pinterest is the equivelant of a soothing lobotomy as required.
    Honest - no flirting. If there is, I'm not noticing it, maybe because I'm not in the market?

  9. I enjoy the interaction of blogging, reading peoples posts and commenting, building my own blog and the female friendships I've made online, similar to the ones I've made in real life. I have always drawn a boundary in my off line life so It's no different for me in my on line life. I don't flirt or play with fire because I don't want to be burned. For me it's just like the tv or a book. Thanks for a great post and interesting discussion.

  10. I think the main reason I've taken to blogging is that I have a three year old son I have to help get ready in the mornings...which means I don't go for coffee before work anymore. I have those kinds of asinine conversations on my blog now...and I've "met" some really good folks that way.

    It's also great on days like today when I'm stuck in the office.

    At night though...when the Boy's in bed and me and the missus have a some time together I put the computer away.

  11. Those are questions that I will really have to think about before I can reply. Part of it is getting some adult conversation (other than your spouse) without the effort of actually getting dressed and going out to look for company. And until recently I was pretty strict with how much (or how little) time I spend online. I've let this slip lately...

  12. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post and could relate to it completely. My partner and I spend hours in separate rooms on our computers. I'm social networking and he is nerding it up inventing something. We email each other from time to time and when we go to bed, we lay next to each other and read the latest news/social event on our matching his & hers iPhones.
    I like the escapism as it helps me forget about the stress that is babymaking. I just don't want to face it at this point in time.
    We completely trust each other and I don't mind him friending old female school friends. As long as I can snoop and read the comments :P