Have you ever been at a cross roads in your life where you are just so confused by your own purpose that you feel as though you are constantly chasing your own tail?
That it's almost as though you have multiple personalities living in your head , constantly battling each other for precedence.
A boxing match of wills, each round won by a different side. Sometimes by technicalities, other times by obvious hits to the heart.
Willing a TKO to happen, almost praying for that hit, simply in order to have a clear direction to work toward.
An obvious path.
One without noise.
One without clutter.
No more confusion.
My head is so full of confusion, noise, fear, apprehension and anxiety about the unknown.
I feel as though I've gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson and I'm just shy of getting my ear bitten off.
In a matter of a week, just like a domino effect, life as I know it will change forever.
My eldest begins primary school. My babies will be attending pre-school and I will be returning to the job I loathe in order to provide for the little people I love. Time stands still for no man.
What is my role in life? I ask myself every day, if not every minute of every hour.
How can I live my life to best service my children?
Do I continue to chase a publishing pipe dream, or simply just get on with life, work for the money that we so desperately need and concentrate on being a good mother and wife?
The realisation that my children are growing at a weed's pace induces panic in my soul. I feel that I need to soak up every second of them while they are still young. Ingest every breathe they take, every milestone they achieve, every "Mummy, mummy!!" I hear.
While I still can. While they'll still allow me to.
Then I question whether I will in fact be doing them a disservice by dedicating my whole life to them. In turn inadvertently smothering them with my own inadequacies which will no doubt deem me obsolete once they are old enough to realise they don't need Mummy all that much anymore.
What will become of me then?
To be completely honest with you, at times I feel that this whole blogging thing can be a bit of a wank.
It can be seriously catty and the very reason I never participated in anything mother's group related in the "real world", the Australian "mummy blogging" circle, mimicking a virtual clique.
Popularity is fickle and loyalty is often transparent.
Few are genuine, but the ones who are, are truly lovely. This is what keeps me here and I thank you for your kindness and friendship.
So this is where I am, at this present point in time.
Do I continue to write about my dreams, my aspirations, knowing all the while it's a big waste of my time because I have no fucking idea how to make that happen (I need help!) - or do I step away from my computer, start living my reality and count the blessings that I actually do have?
Relish in mediocrity.
I often wonder why we are all on this holy grail of becoming "great". Of becoming over achievers. On this constant quest to improve on what we already are. Although for what, and by who's standards?
We put so much pressure on ourselves to be "better", "greater", "more successful" that we base our happiness on external measurements. The irony being that once we take the pressure off of ourselves and simplify our thoughts, our values, and our perception of what's important it in turn makes us happier and more fulfilled by default. If we place the same amount of energy cutting out the bullshit and chasing our inner happiness as we do chasing materialistic things and accolades from people who don't really matter - imagine how fulfilling life would be!
At the end of the day what's the fucking point of it all if you're miserable?
Why can't being a nurturing mother be the greatest achievement in life? Why is it that in this day in age, motherhood is still not perceived as the most important job in the history of mankind? One that needs the most dedication? One where sculpting the minds of children to ensure they turn out to be happy, functioning adults is the only motivation, the only gain?
I understand that life is a gamble.
I understand that you must take risks.
I'm a big punter, usually.
Although at the moment I'm terrified.
I'm terrified of losing what is really important.
Time I'll never get back with the little people I love because for a moment I was confused about what was really important in life.
"A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has just wasted
thirty years of his life."